It felt like a 'new' normal day. Alyssa had gotten up on time and went to school. It was a 'new' day because the weekend before Karl and I decided that I would not find another job. I would give my self-employment a real go and stay home to take care of our 4 children (17, 16, 6 & 6). The prospects were very exciting, for the first time in 18 years, my life would revolve around my family instead of my work. My plans for the day were to take Jim shopping for some new tennis shoes. He had shoveled the walkway for me days before and he had shown me that his shoes had holes in the bottom. So while getting ready that morning, I asked Karl to help me get up James. Being a teenage boy, who was not in school (he had just moved back into Mom & Dad's house and was going through a breakup with a pretty serious girlfriend, Amber). I explained to Karl, that he was less likely to give him grief upon getting James up and going before 3 in the afternoon.
It was about 9:10 am, the twins were starting to get up. Karl grabbed his coffee and headed out the garage to his car to leave. I figured no big deal, pick up the family room a little bit and then go wake James. Then Karl came around the corner and started heading downstairs. I told him he didn't need to come back, that I could handle it. He said, "I told you I'd help you." I heard him walk down the stairs and around. I was next to the downstairs door and heard Karl say, "No!" By the sound of his voice I knew something was wrong. In my gut I knew James did something. I ran down the stairs so fast it was a blur. Once at the bottom I turned to the left where Karl was. I screamed. He was standing in front of James, who was hanging from the doorway frame by an outdoor electrical cord around his neck. I screamed again. Yelled at Karl to call 911. Karl then ran upstairs. Seconds felt like hours. His legs were bent, as if falling to his knees. He was just a few inches off the floor. His eyes were closed. I reached out to touch his face. He was cold and blue, I had to hold him, I had to get him down. I followed the cord to where it was under the treadmill and pulled it out, giving slack to the cord so that it would let him down. As he came down he was so heavy, I couldn't hold him up. So I had no choice but to leave him face down on the floor. I didn't understand where Karl had gone. I needed help with James, Then I saw that he had dropped his phone on the floor. I scrambled to pick it up and called 911.
In my head, I knew I was crying and upset but I felt I was able to be understood. However, the 911 operator couldn't, he keep asking me to repeat things and telling me to be calm. I became so frustrated with him and he wasn't helping me with James, that I threw down the phone. I just kept thinking "Why, why my baby!" Looking for some kind of answer, I walked over to his bed where I noticed a notebook. All I could see was "Dear Mom, Dad..." "I'm so sorry for all the pain I've caused. Love" On top of the note was a CD he made. I let out a scream "I don't want a CD, I want you!" I looked over at where I left his body. No movement, so cold and discolored. How could this happen? What had I done wrong? I slid down the framed wall and cried. I wanted to die, I never saw this coming. This was my first baby that I loved so very much. How could he do this? I never could, I often thought about it but was always too chicken. I had failed.
Then suddenly Karl was sitting next to me, holding me. I was rocking. I didn't know what to do. Then I heard the sirens come around the back of the house and a knock upstairs at the front door. Karl yelled to come on in. The officer came downstairs, looked around and told Karl that we needed to go upstairs. I started crying uncontrollably, I didn't want to leave my boy. She insisted.
Sitting in my living room listening to Karl get the little guys dressed, watching to police stand around in my home and outside in the front, I went numb. I felt a million miles away. They proceeded by taking us all to the police station. I did ask them to go get my daughter Alyssa from school, but they were to tell her nothing. I wanted to do it. I called her cellphone several times before she answered. I apologized for the interuption of her class. I explained to her that a police officer was coming to pick her up from school and bringing her to the police station. She asked what was wrong, I told her we'd talk when she got to us.
She walked into the conference room we where in, looked at me and said, " Mom, what's wrong?" I looked her in the eyes grabbed her hands and said "Jimmy hung himself". She immediately started falling to the floor, crying "No, no! Mommy no! Why!"
We were told by the victim advocates that we could stay there as long as we wanted. We would not be allowed to go home until the police were done there. I hated being there, I wanted to go home. It felt like they were just sitting there watching us cry. They weren't! They were keeping Katrina & Karl occupied. Then Nancy called, as she usually did on her way home from work. I told her what Jimmy had done. I asked her if she could come and get us and go to her house. She said, "of course, I be right there! Where are you?!" Just after she got there, the investigator came in and told us we could go home, so we did.
Once in the house, I immediately went downstairs to Jim's room to find his phone (hoping that the police didn't take it). I looked up the last call he made. It was Amber! When she answered the phone I asked her, "What the F#*K did you say to Jim?" "Nothing, why?", she said defensively. "Jimmy killed himself!" I exclaimed. Her reply was "Your kidding!" I immediately started screaming and crying, I don't remember what I said, if any words actually were said. Nancy had grabbed the phone from me, told Amber that she would talk to her later and hung up.
Karl and I went through the painful job of calling relatives. He called his two sisters in Washington and his parents, who were out of town. Mom & Pop started making plans to come back home. I had been trying to call my mom, it was weird, I couldn't get a hold her her right away. I keep feeling like I need my mom! When I finally got her, I asked her to sit down. I told her and all she said was "Oh God! I'll be right there!" (my mom lives over an hour away!). By about two o'clock, We had in-town family and close friends at the house. she was talking about.
Amber's mom called the house, she wanted to tell me that she read over their conversation and that Amber didn't do anything that anyone else would've done. I was in such a fog and I didn't understand what she was talking about. That was such a surreal day. Karl and I just went from room to room crying. Not really able to do much else. The next day we were told by the investigator what Amber's mother had not explained to me. Jim and Amber had a three hour my space message conversation that night. Jim had posted a blog about how miserable he was. Asked her to read it. They talked of various things, how he didn't understand why she was so distance but still said she loved him. How he should just go on with his life. The last thing he said to her was, "I'm sorry I have nothing left to live for I love you."
